No matter what holidays you celebrate, this time of year can add additional stress to your
life. It can be challenging to hold onto your own values when others’ expectations and traditions may pull you back. Sometimes, others’ holiday wishes may directly conflict with your own beliefs. As we evolve and grow into our own identities, our lives may look very different than the world we were raised in. Going home for any holiday may re-open old wounds, ignite triggers, or lead you to revert to past child-parent or sibling dynamics.
Due to the heightened nature of emotions around the holidays (and sometimes
excessively flowing alcohol), comments may be perceived as critical or judgemental. Certain
topics that you may have created healthy boundaries within your everyday life may come up
with those that you only see a few times a year. This may include weight or any physical
appearance-related topics, family planning, dating status, lifestyle choices, your job, your home, etc. For some of us, we may be put on a platter open to ridicule and our most vulnerable parts displayed. Below are tips to take care of yourself when facing potentially unpleasant interactions.
Plan Ahead
What would be your ideal amount of time spent together? Are there certain family
members who are especially prickly or toxic you would like to avoid? If you go into the holiday season with a plan of how much or little you want to interact with others, you do not have to scramble when you may feel overwhelmed or flustered in the moment. We tend to make clearer decisions when we come from a grounded, calm state rather than a reactionary place. This honors your own peace.
Remember to consider the activities or people that bring you joy. Helping out in the
kitchen, decorating, outdoor activities, or even moments alone are all ways to break away from awkward interactions or uncomfortable conversations. If there are people you feel safer with, ask to sit next to them during meals or create signals when you need assistance exiting a particular conversation. Consider the parts of the holidays that you appreciate and lean into those. Even if you are not staying in your own “home,” you still have autonomy over your schedule and happiness.
Learn more about holidays with in-laws
Setting Expectations
If patterns repeat themselves over the years, you may be able to prepare yourself for
specific situations. How do you want to show up for yourself differently than in the past?
Although we can not predict the future (nor should we try), this does not mean we should ignore the past since traditions are traditions for a reason. While we can hope this year may be different, it may serve you better to focus on yourself and what you can control. Poor behavior is more of a reflection on the other person. Your ability to not engage in that poor behavior is a reflection of your own emotional maturity and regulation skills.
Coping Skills
When you find yourself in situations you cannot avoid or be excused from, focus on your
coping skills. Breathing exercises and grounding techniques can be a way to reconnect with
yourself when you may feel panicked or overwhelmed. If you are sitting down for a meal, you
can set clear boundaries over topics you would like to avoid discussing (politics, religion, etc.).
Mindfulness around food can also be a way to detract from unpleasant dialogue. What are the smells, textures, and flavors of the food in front of you? We can find joy in small things when others may try to take up a bigger space. Humor can also defuse the mood and keep topics light at any moment, especially when tension may be high.
Self-Care
Often, we may look forward to the holidays as a break from our work, much-earned time
off. Use this time to slow down and reflect on your year, your accomplishments, and moments of growth. This may provide you with more energy and strength going into a potentially stressful situation.
Equally as important is your self-care plan after the holidays. How are you rewarding
yourself for navigating difficult dynamics? It is often said we need a vacation after a vacation, yet what we really mean is how do we take care of ourselves to recuperate when we have exerted a lot of energy? Again, if you have a plan in place prior to the holiday season, this gives you more time to set things into motion before anything that may come up during the holidays.
Ideas for after-holiday recovery (https://bemorewithless.com/take-care/)
Make New Traditions
Just because something has been a certain way for years does not mean it has to
continue that way. As you continue to find your authentic self, this can include making new
traditions. Consider your chosen family and plan a Friendsgiving. Maybe this year, you and your partner could go on a vacation at the end of the year instead of going to your respective homes.
What if you host a holiday where you are in control of the guest list? You can decide what
holidays mean to you and how much (or little) you engage with your family’s traditions. It can be challenging to confront parents with new ideas or plans; however, you may be surprised how open they could be to change. You deserve to have the experiences you want without sacrificing completely, even if it is for family. Try something new this year, something only for you or those you love.
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