Everyone’s coming out journey looks different. There are periods of confusion and questioning and enlightenment and clarity. One may find themselves feeling alone, even with the most supportive systems. A lot has typically occurred emotionally and mentally before someone comes out to you. It is best not to assume the journey a person has been on (and will continue to go on) as they discover their sexuality or gender identity. If someone comes out to you, this is an invitation, which should not be taken lightly.
Since no two journeys are the same, letting the person who is coming out dictate their
boundaries and willingness to share is important. Even though someone is coming out to you, there may be doubts or more questions to be answered. Handling their experience with grace and empathy should always come first. Remember, coming out is about “them,” not about “you.”
Below are some tips for supporting individuals when they come out to you.
Navigating the initial disclosure
Listening and checking in are the two most important actions to take after someone comes out to you. At this moment, you have no idea how long this person has been grappling with their own identity before deciding to share this part of themselves with others. After someone comes out to you, you can express gratitude for them sharing this with you. While you may have many questions and emotions coming up in that moment, bring it back to the other person. Ask them how they are feeling after they share this with you. Find out what capacity they have to continue a conversation or if they need to pause and pick up at another time. You may not be the first or last person they will come out to, and they may need to reserve their energy for future conversations. It is also okay to ask for space to process your own feelings after someone comes out to you. This may surprise you, and you may need time to understand your feelings better.
If the person feels open to a discussion, here are some questions you can ask to show respect and honor their vulnerable act. What has the coming-out process been like for you? What can I do to support you? How would you like me to refer to you? (This can be their chosen name, pronouns, labels, etc.) Would you like me to keep this between us? This last question is especially important as it eliminates assumptions and gives autonomy back to the individual.
While they may want to share their identity with others, they may feel exceptionally safe with you and be okay with you sharing with others whom they approve of.
Be aware of your facial expression and body language when someone comes out to you. These important non-verbal cues could be perceived in a way that you may not intend and could impact the person coming out. While your feelings are always valid, remember that this new information is likely something the other person has been thinking about for a long time.
Being an LGBTQ+ ally
Ongoing support
After someone comes out to you, they may continue to process their feelings or start expressing their sexuality or gender identity in new ways. Since you are someone they have confided in, you may want to continue to check in with them more frequently. And yet, not everything has to be about their coming out process. This can be as simple as spending time together or discussing other aspects of their life.
One cannot take for granted how others are receiving someone’s coming out. This could bring up anxiety, depressive symptoms, and a vast array of emotions. Remind this loved one that you are a safe and trusting source. Helping to normalize their feelings through this experience will validate their existence and honor their truth. It is okay for part of their journey to have bumps.
They may be in a continuous mode of self-discovery, and your empathy and support could be
incredibly grounding. Educate yourself. It is not a person's job to teach you terms or pronouns. While some people may choose to educate you, the power of your taking the initiative is another way of saying, “I see you.” The coming out process can be exhausting, so anything you can do to alleviate some of the work is not only welcomed, it is encouraged and expected.
LGBTQ+ Glossary (https://pflag.org/glossary/)
Understanding Your Own Feelings
You may have conflicting views regarding your faith and this person’s identity. You may feel
confused to learn a new part about someone you thought you knew. Anything you feel when
someone comes out or as time passes and your further reflection is valid. However, it is
important to remember this is your stuff to work through and not to place this burden on anyone else.
There is room for endless support. If you need support while taking in this part of a person, seek it. Whether with a confidant or a therapist, you deserve to understand your feelings about this person’s identity. If someone comes out to you, they are looking for acceptance above all. You can show gratitude to this person for trusting you with this information and still be confused about what this means to you. We often experience contradictory emotions at the same time. Acknowledging this is a form of living authentically.
When in doubt, ask questions. Stay curious. Let this person tell you what makes them feel
uncomfortable or comfortable. There is no road map for coming out or a road map to queerness. Remember that everyone’s gender identity and sexuality have a different meaning to them, and we are all intersectional beings. If someone comes out to you, this is also an opportunity for you to reflect on your own gender identity and sexuality. Ask yourself: what does it mean to be me?
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