Dating NATO (Not Attached to Outcome)

In the age of social media, mental health providers are all over Instagram and TikTok giving “advice” and suggestions on navigating life. It can be challenging to discern what applies to everyone as the statements can be broad and lack nuance. However, there are glimmers of feedback that I have found to be meaningful, simple ideas that translate well across digital platforms. I’ve been following a dating coach, Erika Ettin (@alittlenudge) who would often share with her followers the power of dating NATO (not attached to outcome). At first, I was skeptical of what she meant by this, however, after watching more of her informational and direct videos, I see the alignment between her philosophy and mindfulness.

Erika’s original blog post from 2019

(https://www.alittlenudge.com/2019/09/looking-for-the-one-try-dating-nato/)

A lot of my clients discuss dating fatigue and how the apps can burn them out between poor communication and ghosting, just to name a few common practices people encounter. Most people who are looking for a relationship on the apps are trying to find genuine connection, regardless if their goal is a long-term partner or casual dating. In either of these two cases, there is a hope that another date happens. Because of this, sometimes we can be too focused on the future. Spending so much thinking about “what ifs.” Instead of focusing on if someone is “the one” or if this person checks every single box (which may be limiting), take a minute to pause.

The desire to know the future or see where a relationship is going can come from a hurt place, an anxious place, a hopeful place, an exhausted place, etc., because dating is hard. Full stop. But when you let go of expectations for the future, you allow yourself to be more present with yourself and the other person. It also can shift the the meaning of a “good date.” If this person is not your pre-conceived notion of what a partner could be, does that mean it was not worth your time? Did you have fun? Did you learn something? Did you practice sharing parts of yourself that may be new or uncomfortable? Dating “success” limits our ability to be present.

A psychologist explains NATO

(https://www.forbes.com/sites/traversmark/2024/01/10/a-psychologist-explains-the-nato-dating-trend/)

If the “goal” of dating is simply getting to know someone, this takes time. There may be traits or behaviors that are immediate “no’s” for you. It’s impossible to learn everything about someone in one date and that goes both ways. So if you go into a date with the intention of sharing about yourself and gaining more information about the other person, the chance of you having a better time, regardless of what happens next, is higher. The same way we are not friends with everyone can apply to dating. Sometimes we’re a fit and sometimes we’re not, and that’s okay if this person did not meet the unnecessary expectation of being your forever partner.

Dating NATO does not put some “positive” spin on dating. We feel what we feel. This means you may still be disappointed or frustrated after a date. Staying connected to your emotions while dating is key. Being in the present keeps you more in tune with yourself, heightening the ability to share different parts of yourself with someone. In tandem, this allows you to actually receive what somebody is sharing rather than have your mind preoccupied with their height, or their job, or if they’ll get along with your parents, etc.

The next time you go on a date with someone, ask yourself these questions instead:

- Did I laugh?

- Did I notice how much I smiled?

- Did I feel comfortable in my body?

- Did they share interest in getting to know me?

- Was I surprised?

- Did I lose track of time?

- Were they respectful?

- Did they ask me questions?

- What was the eye contact like?

It can be that simple.

There’s so much chatter about red flags and this and that, we often get lost in the discourse and potentially start dating based on others’ ideas of a partner, or even a younger part of ourselves that fantasized about this ideal person. You’re human. They’re human. You’re constantly evolving and growing and while yes, there are some people who stay stagnant and may not be a good fit for you, other people take time to open up. Not all flowers bloom the same. Not all flowers need the same amount of water or sunlight. So you get to choose. Can you stay with what you know with the information you have and make one decision after a date:

Do I want to see them one more time?