The Trap of Apps for Gay Men

For as long as I have been seeing single clients looking for dates and/or relationships, I’ve noticed the struggle for those who exist in two spaces: “traditional” dating apps and casual hookup apps. While I believe we can meet anyone in any space and that does dictate the nature of the relationship, there is typically more immediacy on hookup apps like Grindr, Scruff, or Sniffies (the newest kid on the block). For simplicity in this blog, I’m going to refer to the aforementioned apps as “hookup apps” and apps like Hinge, Tinder, Bumble, etc. as “dating apps.” It’s great that we live in a culture where sex is becoming more de-stigmatized and normalized; however, I started wondering how our desires could be impacted by toggling between all of these different apps. 

Gamification of human interaction

Dating apps and sites have been around for decades now. They’re the norm in how many people meet, especially with how much time we all spend on our phones. The struggle with these apps is the depersonalization of humans. You swipe right or left in a matter of seconds, deciding whether you want to chat with this person. You see one thing you do not like? Easy swipe left. Too short? Swipe left. 5 sunglasses pictures? Swipe left. Confusing answer to a prompt question? Swipe left. The instant gratification society we live in has overtaken the dating world, where we often do not pause long enough to allow for our mind and emotions to speak, to give someone a chance to even engage in a digital conversation.  

The hookup apps take this to another level by now having features like “right now,” and the oh-so-seductive question “looking?” And thanks to emojis, some people do not even use words anymore to communicate on these apps. The banter, the picture-swapping, and the external validation can skew our perception of desire in a greater sense. It’s one thing to be on these apps explicitly and exclusively looking for something sexual. But what I often find is that gay men use these apps when they’re bored, when they’re lonely, or when insecurities arise and would like a pick-me-up. 

Standards

The hookup apps often include different information than dating apps, and of course, different types of photos. This additional information can shape how we view ourselves (and market ourselves), but more importantly, how we view others. If we start feeling more confident, more desirable, more interested on hookup apps, wouldn’t it make sense to spend more time there? With the dating apps, you have to have a match, so there’s typically a delayed period where you do not know if you will ever have the chance to even speak to this person. On the hookup apps, it’s instant. And voila, a little dopamine hit. 

Are gay men blending their casual sex preferences over into what they want in a relationship? Of course, these can be the same, but when I speak with clients about what they’re looking for in a boyfriend or partner, sex and physicality usually aren’t the first things they discuss. My clients are looking for someone who makes them laugh, who is driven, who has passions, who initiates, etc. It’s really challenging to discover these aspects of someone over text, especially when the text is sex-focused.

Communication & Patience

What I hear often is that people will speak with someone on a hookup app for weeks, months, sometimes even years, without ever meeting. This normalizes the online chatter and can put less impetus on actually meeting someone. The purpose of dating apps is to connect and then go on a date. So often I hear clients want to know almost everything about someone before asking them out. What does this leave for a first date? You don’t need to know if you want to be in a relationship with someone before going on a date with them. This is part of the risk of dating. 

Learning what someone likes, their interests, and their history is part of the fun of dating. Hookup apps can rely on faster responses to see if there is compatibility to meet. This contrast in communication styles may unconsciously be creeping into the dating apps, leading to boredom and disinterest in actually meeting someone. And yet, due to the potential frequency and normalcy of time spent on hookup apps, people are still spending a lot of time swiping with “no results,” which lowers motivation and patience for the process.

With the hookup apps, if you meet someone, it’s common for someone to make a more black-and-white decision: that was a pleasant experience, and I would see that person again (or not). With dates from a dating app, there may be more ambiguity, or more time needed to see if you want to continue going on dates with this person. This could even apply to engaging sexually with someone after a first date. Different parts of our brain can be activated when pursuing sex versus pursuing a longer-term connection. However, the similarity of these apps can confuse people over time, who are often not aware of it. 

So for those who are on Grindr and on Hinge, for similar or different reasons, take inventory of when you’re on each app and why. Intentionality is often lacking as people toggle between different apps. It starts to feel like just another conversation that leads nowhere, just a simple “how’s your day going?” just monotony over and over again, when people looking for a relationship are seeking something more. 

There’s no right way to use apps. But if you’re single and on various apps for different purposes, and frustrated with your dating experiences, I ask you to consider how hookup apps and culture could be impacting your expectations and how you show up on dates, or even communicate with potential suitors. And if you’re looking to explore these themes and more interpersonal dynamics in therapy, reach out, and we can set up a free consultation.