Breaking Free from Emotional Abuse: Why Leaving Is So Hard and Why Awareness Matters

October is Domestic Violence Awareness Month - a time to shed light not only on physical violence but also on the invisible wounds of emotional abuse. Many of us have known what it feels like to stand frozen in fear, our hearts pounding, our breath shallow, our bodies trembling as cruel words cut through the air. The body knows long before the mind is ready to accept the truth: something inside this relationship is breaking us down.

Sometimes the realization comes in the quiet hours of the night, when we feel trapped and small, pleading silently for peace. We tell ourselves that maybe tomorrow things will be better - that if we can just stay calm, they’ll change, or finally see how much we’re hurting. But deep down, a whisper of clarity begins to grow: this is not love, and it will not get better. That whisper is often what saves us - the first small act of survival that leads us toward the door, and toward freedom.

The Invisible Wounds of Emotional Abuse

Emotional abuse is insidious because it does not always leave visible scars. Instead, it chips away at our confidence, isolates us from support systems, and distorts our reality. Gaslighting, blame-shifting, and silent treatment are just a few of the tactics that can make us question our own perceptions. Over time, we may internalize the abuser’s narrative, believing that if we just try harder, things will return to the way they once were. Research has shown that this dynamic ( sometimes called trauma bonding ) creates powerful cycles of attachment and fear. Victims may experience intermittent kindness or “love bombing” mixed with cruelty, which strengthens the bond rather than weakens it (Dutton & Painter, 1993). As a result, even highly capable, emotionally healthy, and self-aware people can feel trapped in relationships that outsiders might assume are easy to leave.

Why Leaving Is So Difficult

Leaving an emotionally abusive partner is not a single decision but a process. We may leave

and return multiple times, each time hoping for change or fearing what will happen if we truly go. Shame, financial concerns, and the loss of identity we experience within the relationship can make us doubt our ability to survive on our own. The nervous system itself can become

dysregulated by chronic stress, making it harder to think clearly or take decisive action (van der Kolk, 2014).

Many of us also find that when we finally do leave, we are surprised by how long the healing process takes. It is common to feel grief, withdrawal, or a strange emptiness after stepping out of a toxic dynamic. These reactions are not signs of failure - they are normal responses to prolonged psychological stress.

The Power of Education and Support

One of the most empowering steps we can take is educating ourselves about narcissistic and emotional abuse. Understanding patterns of manipulation, coercive control, and trauma bonding helps us name what is happening and break through self-blame. For many of us, learning about these dynamics through books, lectures, and support groups has been a lifeline.

But education alone is not enough. Licensed mental health professionals trained in the nuances of narcissistic and emotional abuse are essential for survivors’ long-term recovery. Unfortunately, finding a therapist with this expertise (especially one who accepts insurance) can be daunting. This gap in services leaves many victims turning to unregulated online “coaches” rather than evidence-based care. As a field, we must do more to ensure that specialized, trauma-informed counseling is accessible to everyone who needs it.

Healing and Reclaiming Ourselves

Healing from emotional abuse is not linear. It involves rebuilding self-trust, reconnecting with supportive people, and learning to regulate our nervous systems again. Therapy, creative expression, somatic practices, and self-compassion can all be part of this journey. For those of us in the arts or other high-stress fields, having mental health support embedded in our communities can make a profound difference.

As we heal, we begin to realize that peace is not emptiness; it is safety. We remember who we are outside the distorted mirror of an abusive relationship. And we discover that while abuse may have shaped part of our story, it does not define our future.

Moving Forward Together

Domestic Violence Awareness Month is an invitation to break the silence surrounding emotional abuse. By sharing knowledge, improving access to specialized care, and supporting one another, we can help more people escape harmful relationships and reclaim their lives. We may not all share the same story, but together we can create a culture that recognizes emotional abuse for what it is — a serious public health issue — and ensures that survivors are met with understanding, resources, and hope. Leaving is hard. Healing is hard. But we are not alone, and freedom is possible.

Resources for Support

If you or someone you know is experiencing domestic abuse (emotional or physical), you are

not alone.

● National Domestic Violence Hotline: Call 1-800-799-SAFE (7233) or visit

thehotline.org for 24/7 confidential support.

● Safe Horizon (NYC): Call 1-800-621-HOPE (4673) or visit safehorizon.org

● National Network to End Domestic Violence (NNEDV): nnedv.org for educational

resources and advocacy tools.

● For performers and artists in NYC: The Actors Fund offers workshops and financial

support at actorsfund.org

References

Dutton, D. G., & Painter, S. L. (1993). Emotional attachments in abusive relationships: A test of traumatic bonding theory. Violence and Victims, 8(2), 105–120.

van der Kolk, B. A. (2014). The Body Keeps the Score: Brain, Mind, and Body in the Healing of Trauma. Viking.